Take it one day at a time

So after a long and stressful weekend (stress due to my own thoughts and feelings of course) I had a good Monday for once! It’s amazing because Monday’s are normally a terrible day for me, I wake up just expecting it’s going to be a bad day (probably a cause of the problem). My boss was in a great mood, and there were lots of laughs all day! It’s great to have my mind occupied for a few hours a day, every little bit counts!

I’ve been praying every day since my Dr’s appointment on Thursday. This is something that I’ve always done in times of hardship…I don’t consider myself a religious person but this world is so vast it is hard to believe that there isn’t something greater than us out there in the universe! I’m not saying it’s God, or Buddha or Allah or whomever you choose to believe in. Just an energy that is floating around this universe, and that is what I pray to (or communicate with might be a better word). 

In any case, this has been making me feel a little better each day. I just know that there was a mistake that was made at my last ultrasound and that everything is just fine with our little bean! I know that at my next Dr’s appointment, she will walk in and say “Just as I suspected, everything is perfect with your little one and that ultrasound tech at the other office made a mistake.” To stay positive I play this out in my mind several times a day. I also imagine when the baby arrives and I hold he/she in my arms for the first time and I look at its perfect face, kiss it’s perfect hands and feet. He/she will be just as perfect as their big sister is, I know this in my heart. 

It’s a monumental task to stay positive when you have depression because even the littlest thing gets blown up to be an enormous issue! Pile on the fact that I’m pregnant and every pregnant mother worries that her little one is growing healthily, and that hormones are at a high during pregnancy; and it becomes a recipe for disaster! I feel like I’m doing a good job and I deserve a pat on the back!

I also wanted to say that T has been so great during this past week! He is trying to keep any additional stress off of my shoulders. He won’t let me do anything (he even cleaned the bathroom last night), I appreciate it so much! This is what I had imagined my first pregnancy to be like, and it wasn’t. We’ve been communicating so well and he’s been very affectionate with me in the last few days as well, which is also something new for him. I can only hope this continues!

There's a moral to this story!

So today we focus on my little peanut, because today has started off as a terrible day and I really just need to try and focus my energy on something else! Positive thoughts, positive thoughts...

This week, Baby is the size of: a Mango orange

How far along? 19 weeks

Due date: 12/09/2011

Total weight gain/loss: 9 lbs gained

Maternity clothes? Still lovin' my jeggings, but I haven't bought anything else

Sleep: Insomnia (I'm absolutely exhausted today)

Best moment this week: Was resolving the conflict that hubby and I had

Movement: I feel some sort of movement almost everyday

Food cravings: Nanaimo bars, I've eaten them once and now don't want anymore

Food aversions: Not much anymore, thank goodness

Symptoms: Headaches, sore back, my hip keeps going out

Gender: Unknown... we'll probably keep it that way (I'm pretty sure it's a boy)

Labor Signs: None

Belly Button in or out? In

Feeling toward Pregnancy: After my first appointment with Dr. A yesterday I'm feeling terrified, worried and stressed (I'll fill you in below)

What I miss: Not worrying about the baby

What I am looking forward to:  My quad screen results, my next ultrasound (July 25th) and hearing the results

Randoms: See below for my story

So yesterday started out as a pretty good day. Hubby and I worked through our issue from the previous day - I have to make a note that he approached me and wanted to talk it out. That would be a huge step for him because he doesn't normally initiate that type of communication. Also, he apologized to me for the hurtful things he said and we came to a great compromise! Everything was unicorns and rainbows after that!

I was very excited to go to my first maternity appointment with Dr. A, I would be missing quite a bit of work too (which is always good). So I arrived at my appointment and it was going well until we got to my ultrasound results. The first thing noted is that my due date is changing from Dec 16th to Dec 9th. Second thing noted is that I have a low lying placenta. I've read plenty about this and know that it is a common thing, as the baby grows my placenta should move up and away from the cervix opening. Chances are slim that it won't, but if it doesn't then that is something we call Placenta Previa. (I have included a link to some info about Placenta Previa)

http://www.babycenter.ca/pregnancy/complications/placentapraevia/

The last thing, and probably the thing that I should not be stressed and worried about (but this is next to impossible for me), is that the baby's legs are measuring short for it's gestational age. The baby is measuring 17 weeks, but it's legs are measuring at 15 weeks 5 days. Dr. A started this conversation by telling me that she is not worried about this, and that I shouldn't worry either. I was informed that the ultrasound clinic that I was sent to doesn't have a great track record and she doesn't really like to send her patients to them. The only reason I was sent there was that they were the only clinic that would take me on such short notice and she wanted to date the pregnancy before my appointment. She also informed me that this same clinic failed to diagnose twins in one of her patients! So she isn't worried and expects a more accurate measurement at my next ultrasound. 

Dr. A stated that if the baby were a little person, they would see that the arms AND legs are measuring short. This isn't the case at the moment. Now being the person I am, I put on my big girl face and finished the appointment very matter of fact! 

When I got in the car and phoned Tom to give him the update, I broke down! Hysterical! How can you help but worry about the child growing in your belly! This little being that is kicking and moving around in there, this little being that you love already and have been carrying for 4 months and that you have hopes and dreams for! I seemed to calm down and when I returned to work I was in okay spirits...then I did the completely wrong thing. I googled "Short femoral length in fetus'", and was horrified with what appeared! The tears were rolling down my cheeks before I knew it!

Apparently, short femoral length can be an indicator of Down Syndrome. My thoughts have been racing ever since that first article I read... I cannot shut my brain off for more than 5 minutes! Please send your positive thoughts and prayers our way, all I can do is try and be positive right now. A monumental task at this time! 

Moral of the story:  DO NOT GOOGLE!

Just when you think things are getting better...

Just as I seem to be reaching the surface, I'm stretching my arm out for it and someone puts their foot on my head and pushes me back down again! The foot was hubby's, and at quite a surprise to yours truly. As in my post from yesterday I thought things between us were on the up and up!

I don't want to get into the nitty gritty with you as this argument started over our sex life. In a few words, hubs isn't happy with it. No surprise there, he's stated that to me before on many occasions. In his words, the prime of his sex life has been stolen and he will never get it back! He commended me on my efforts in every other part of our relationship, and told me he is proud of the progress I've been making and how good things have been (except in this one area).

Now, not being a complete idiot, I know he's been unhappy with our sex life for sometime now. As I am working on everything else at the moment, I have also been making an effort in this department as well. An effort, that seems to be completely unnoticed! It came as quite a shock to me and was very upsetting! I couldn't help but burst into tears; which is something that hubby doesn't tolerate very well. He completely shuts down emotionally and verbally when someone starts to cry (he feels that it is manipulation). I've been going out of my way to try and make an effort, I've even been recording it in my agenda on my phone so I can keep track of things - but this isn't what he wants. He's very vague as to what he expects, which leaves me feeling hopeless that it will be a goal that I won't be able to achieve.

I've always struggled with the idea that I have to be the best friend, perfect girlfriend/wife, smartest person at work, best mommy; just the best at everything in general. It's something that comes up in every counseling appointment I've ever had. The reason I bring this up is that every time I feel that I'm failing at something I just fall further down into my depression. The depression also blows up small things to be huge clouds hanging over my head! I've felt that I've been failing at my marriage for a long time now (I'm not the wife I'm supposed to be), and just as I start to think things are getting better; I'm told that I'm failing yet again. I haven't even hit the tip of the iceberg. I'm trying to climb small hills but before I get halfway up it grows into a mountain!

Sorry for the wait!

Well it's been a week, and probably a week to long for me! I don't know why I didn't post last week but I just couldn't get myself psyched up to do it. So I had a counseling appointment last night and we talked a bit about my posting and I came to the conclusion that I really needed to get on it!

Last week (other than Monday) I was feeling pretty good. We had dinner with dad on Friday and then saw him again on Saturday night at a friends house. The visits have been pretty good, and I'm enjoying spending time with him. The only thing that tugs at my heart is the fact that P doesn't know her grandpa and seems to be taking a long time to warm up to him. I have a bit of guilt that this is how their relationship has started, but with Dad living in China it's very difficult for them to have a traditional grandpa - granddaughter relationship. (Especially with her being so young and not having any other way to communicate with people)

Hubs and I have been doing quite well as far as communication and our relationship in general is concerned. We had a bit of a squabble on the weekend (which would be the first in weeks!), and it mostly concerned the fact that I'm so grumpy in the mornings! I have never been a morning person, and this hasn't changed since I've been a little girl. I was being short with hubby and he called me out on it... something that of course does nothing to improve my mood at the time. He asked me why I'm such a crab with everyone else, but not with my little muffin P? How can I change my mood so drastically all in the same moment? - This really made me feel badly about how I treat him sometimes.

Why is it that I strive to treat my darling baby girl as good as possible, but if I'm in a bad mood hubby gets the brunt of it? After dwelling on this fact for a couple of hours I phoned him and apologized for my foul mood. It was then that I realized that waiting a month to go to counseling might be too much! Thank goodness my next appointment was in one day!

Yesterday was a bad day for me again, and the saving grace was my appointment with A. I've said this before, but it's amazing how much one's mood can change with an hour of talking about your problems and working on solutions to those problems! I encourage anyone who is experiencing some sort of emotional difficulty in their life to make an appointment with a counselor or psychologist, it can be so helpful. We discussed the last few weeks and things that have improved, or worsened. She gave me some homework to perform, as follows:

1. Rate my mood each day in the morning, afternoon and evenings.
2. While I'm rating my mood, write down the thoughts that were going through my mind at the time.
3. She also gave me some sleeping exercises to practice when I'm having difficulty sleeping (I will post them up later for anyone whose interested)
4. Make a goal for some "Me" time each week, start with something attainable (going for a walk once a week, or reading a book, taking a bath etc.)
5. Increase my goal from once a week, to twice a week and so on

With rating my moods we hope to find out exactly which thoughts are causing the moods that I'd like to alter. Once we find out what those thoughts are, I can identify them when they occur and stop them from altering my mood.

Anyway, that's enough rambling...I'll post some of my exercises tomorrow.

Long weekend update

So I feel I should update on the long weekend, but after I just wrote that last post I'm feeling pretty down, pissy and just generally in a bad mood. My mood changes like a light switch, it's hard to comprehend sometimes! I think today it's mostly work related, I just can't even stand to get up in the morning and come to work. Each morning I spend at least 20 minutes trying to get the balls to call in sick to work, or coming up with a good enough excuse that they wouldn't think I'm lying through my teeth! While I'm at work I spend every minute trying to come up with a good excuse so I can leave... it's a terrible existence and one that I would prefer not to live. I used to enjoy work... now I can't stand it.

Anyhow, after all that bitching I just don't feel like writing about the weekend. I don't feel like doing much to be honest, just pulling the covers over my head and sleeping until next week! I hope I can at least perk up for when I pick P up from daycare. She deserves more than this!

Thursday re-cap

Thursday: My Dr called in for me to have an ultrasound (my original ultrasound was scheduled for July 25th), to properly date my pregnancy. The ultrasound was a commute of about 1.5 hrs from work (on the day before a long weekend so I wasn't expecting it to be a good commute home).

I woke up pretty excited to see our little bean, hoping that it would make things a little more concrete and boost my spirits about this pregnancy! Of course...I came down with something that morning and had to make several stops on the way to my appointment as my stomach was turning the whole way. When I finally arrived I had to pee so badly and they kept me waiting for 1/2 an hour before they let me in for the appointment! The ultrasound technician took an hour before he even let mom in to see the baby...this has got me worried because normally the ultrasound appointment is only 30 minutes total. As he was showing us the baby I noticed that every view the baby had no arms, I hope all these terrible thoughts that are manifesting themselves in my mind are just a product of the depression! I think I might have seen a hand, but I guess I'll find out for sure at my Dr's appointment.

On the way home the traffic was so terrible that I couldn't make it back to work in time for the end of my shift. Fine by me, I don't want to work anymore anyway, every morning is spent trying to figure out a good excuse not to go to work! I picked P up from daycare and made the trek out to Langley for dinner with the family. Dad is back from China and Thursday would be my first time seeing him since he came back.

When he arrived at moms it was so good to see him! I really missed him, I guess you don't realize it unitl your holding that person in your arms. All the memories of being a kid and having my daddy comfort me flood back and it's difficult to hold back the tears! P is a little unsure of him yet, she calls him "Papa" (she can't say grandpa yet) but won't go to him or let him tease her. It was a nice visit and we made plans to see each other on the weekend.