Just as I seem to be reaching the surface, I'm stretching my arm out for it and someone puts their foot on my head and pushes me back down again! The foot was hubby's, and at quite a surprise to yours truly. As in my post from yesterday I thought things between us were on the up and up!
I don't want to get into the nitty gritty with you as this argument started over our sex life. In a few words, hubs isn't happy with it. No surprise there, he's stated that to me before on many occasions. In his words, the prime of his sex life has been stolen and he will never get it back! He commended me on my efforts in every other part of our relationship, and told me he is proud of the progress I've been making and how good things have been (except in this one area).
Now, not being a complete idiot, I know he's been unhappy with our sex life for sometime now. As I am working on everything else at the moment, I have also been making an effort in this department as well. An effort, that seems to be completely unnoticed! It came as quite a shock to me and was very upsetting! I couldn't help but burst into tears; which is something that hubby doesn't tolerate very well. He completely shuts down emotionally and verbally when someone starts to cry (he feels that it is manipulation). I've been going out of my way to try and make an effort, I've even been recording it in my agenda on my phone so I can keep track of things - but this isn't what he wants. He's very vague as to what he expects, which leaves me feeling hopeless that it will be a goal that I won't be able to achieve.
I've always struggled with the idea that I have to be the best friend, perfect girlfriend/wife, smartest person at work, best mommy; just the best at everything in general. It's something that comes up in every counseling appointment I've ever had. The reason I bring this up is that every time I feel that I'm failing at something I just fall further down into my depression. The depression also blows up small things to be huge clouds hanging over my head! I've felt that I've been failing at my marriage for a long time now (I'm not the wife I'm supposed to be), and just as I start to think things are getting better; I'm told that I'm failing yet again. I haven't even hit the tip of the iceberg. I'm trying to climb small hills but before I get halfway up it grows into a mountain!