It's a slippery slope!

Your at the bottom of a steep hill and think you might see a sliver of light at the crest, you motion towards it but something has a hold of your legs and is pulling you down. It has been raining for months and anything that represents vegetation has all but disappeared, brown sludge and mud is all that remains! Your hands are desperately grasping for anything to grab a hold of, but all you come up with is clumps of mud. Your despair overcomes you and you give in to the power pulling you back…you quickly slide down the slippery slope and find yourself covered in wet, dirty and covered in mud. Looking around you see the cave you've been trying to take refuge in, and crawl towards it. Laying down on the cold, dank floor; you curl up into fetal position and wait for fatigue to take over your body.

Lyrics to the thoughts in my mind

I awoke only to find my lungs empty,
and through the night so it seems I'm done breathing,
and now my dreams are nothing like they were meant to be,
and I'm breaking down,
I think I'm breaking down.

And I'm afraid to sleep because of what haunts me,
such as living with the uncertainty,
that I'll never find the words to say which would completely explain,
just how I'm breaking down.

Someone come and,
someone come and save my life.
Maybe I'll sleep when I am dead,
but now it's like the night is taking sides.
And all the worries that occupy the back of my mind,
could it be this misery will suffice?

I've become the simple souvenir of someone's kill,
and like the sea I'm constantly changing from calm to ill,
madness fills my heart and soul,
as if the great divide could swallow me whole,
oh how I'm breaking down.

Someone come and,
someone come and save my life.
Maybe I'll sleep when I am dead,
but now it's like the night is taking sides.
And all the worries that occupy the back of my mind,
could it be this misery will suffice?

Oh we're alive.

Someone come and,
someone come and save my life.
Someone come and,
someone come and save my life.
Someone come and,
someone come and save my life.

Could it be this misery will suffice?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Xiq0IiGilXE&feature=related

How is it possible that I'm being the positive one here?

Sometimes it just blows my mind that my hubby can be so negative and it's up to me to boost his mood, and show him the positive side of things. Aren't I the one with the depression here? He's in one of those moods right now, and no matter what I say to him he continues with the negativity… he seems to think he's so hard done by! We are very lucky people, we have a healthy, happy daughter, another little one on the way, a house to live in, jobs, food on our table, vehicles to get around in and not one of these things will make him appreciate what he truly has!

It just angers me so much, he's so selfish that he can't even just agree that he is very lucky and sometimes life sucks but tomorrow's a new day and you move on! It's like his foot is on my head and I'm trying to come up for air but he just pushes me back down again. (Don't get me wrong, he's a good man, but when he's like this I just can't stand it) I'm trying to help myself here for the sake of our family and his eyes are blind to that… (me thinks someone else might have some depression too)

I think I have a brat on my hands!

This is something that I never thought I would utter, but I think I may have a brat on my hands! P has been a terror the last few days...I think I might be in shock over it!

When you plan on having children, and when your pregnant with said children; you imagine all the things that you will and won't do with those kids as they grow up. You have an idea in your mind of how your children will behave, and flourish...let me tell you THESE THINGS DON'T NECESSARILY HAPPEN! Hubby and I are dealing with some serious backlash right now as I have never seen an attitude on a 16 month old baby like this before in my life! We imagined a funny, outgoing, mild mannered, sweet baby girl who needed some guideance but not necessarily disiplining....P is all these things except mild-mannered. This child is pushing every button we have and then pushing a little bit more! I really don't know why I'm so surprised as I have a major attitude myself, but to be completely honest since P was born I thought I've been pretty good at disguising my attitude and I know for a fact that my patience has skyrocketed.

Today will be spent reading up on how to curb your 16 month olds attitude and proper disiplining for this age. The tone of the past few days has really done a number on my confidence as a mommy! I'm really scared to have this second baby now, who knows what will happen as I become (yet again) a stay at home mommy to not one but TWO children! If we're being completely honest here (which I've been really trying to be) work has been a refuge to the storm brewing at home! Normally I wake up thinking of any excuse not to go to work and now, I'm waking up with a sense of relief for the break away from P! (Actually that's a lie, I wake up wanting to take P to daycare and then make up an excuse for not going to work and crawl into my cave and hide all day!)

Today should be a happy day, Dad is coming back from China to visit. I am excited to see him and for him to see Halle; I just cannot get out of this cold, dank hole that I fell back into this weekend. The littlest thing will set me off and I don't even notice it until I'm down here trying to claw my way back up!

15 Weeks today (actually tomorrow)

So today we focus on my little peanut, because today has started off as a terrible day and I really just need to try and focus my energy on something else! Positive thoughts, positive thoughts...

This week, Baby is the size of: a Naval orange

How far along? 15 weeks (well actually I'll be 15 weeks tomorrow)

Due date: 12/16/2011

Total weight gain/loss: I haven't checked since last appointment, but I lost 6lbs from pre-preg

Maternity clothes? I bought some jeggings, and I absolutely love them. Most comfy jeans ever!

Sleep: Insomnia (I'm absolutely exhausted today)

Best moment this week: ??? I really can't think of anything

Movement: I felt some movement about two weeks ago, but I don't feel much anymore?

Food cravings: Cheetos and Salad with blue cheese dressing

Food aversions: Not much anymore, thank goodness

Symptoms: M/s still, sore back, I put my hip out last night, I have pain in my tummy (feels like I pulled a muscle) Headaches

Gender: Unknown... we'll probably keep it that way (I'm pretty sure it's a boy)

Labor Signs: None

Belly Button in or out? In

Feeling toward Pregnancy: I'm starting to feel more in love with this little baby, and excited to snuggle and cuddle a tiny little baby again

What I miss: Not having to take meds for my Morning sickness

What I am looking forward to:  my first OB/GYN appointment to hear the heartbeat - and ultrasound

Randoms: Here's a pic of my bump

  P.S - I stole this from another person's blog - Thanks to Dandelion Wishes for the template

You have depression too?

Sometimes it seems like I'm the only one! Although, in my rational brain I know this to be false as depression affects many, many people. I started to do a little reading on mental health today and I found this website. Here's a link:

http://www.cmha.ca/bins/content_page.asp?cid=3-86-87&lang=1

Maybe there is something there that could be helpful to someone? I just don't have the energy to post anything today...I'm tired. Just in general, tired! I could complain about the headache I have, or the back and knee ache, the insomnia, the frustration and lack of concentration and of course the major attitude I've been having today... but I wouldn't want to sound like a whiner! LOL! I guess I should really let up on the whiner stuff, huh? I mean I did start this blog as an honest description of what I'm feeling day to day, and how I'm coping with things.

Tomorrow will be a "focus on the baby" day... maybe something for you to look forward to reading? Instead of complaining all the time!

I also just wanted to say, that I have the best mom ever! She tries to help me so much and she has no idea how much I really appreciate it! I hope I can be as good a mom to P and the new baby, as she has been to me and my brother! LOVE YOU MOM!

Elusive sleep

First I can't get enough sleep, now I can't get any! So they say with depression comes sleeping all the time, or insomnia. Well for months now I've been sleeping a lot (not feeling rested either), but I can tell you with every fibre of my being that I'd much rather be sleeping all the time then laying in bed for hours upon hours not able to fall asleep! The insomnia started sometime a couple of weeks ago, and was just a night or two here and there. I fear that it has turned into a full blown monster…

I make plans of what I'm going to do with my time at work, during these long nights. Of course, when I arrive at work in the morning I can't remember what those things are, I'm sitting here racking my brain as I'm writing. "Now what was it that I was going to do today?"

I did try some of the exercises that A gave me in counselling, relaxation techniques that are supposed to help you sleep. Quieting your mind and thoughts and relaxing your body so that you can find the ever elusive sleep! They simply didn't work for me, maybe they will for you. Here they are for your inquisitive minds…

First Exercise:

1. Close your eyes and get comfortable, relax your body.

2. Imagine a river, this river is going to take any thoughts that come into your mind right back out again. Don't stop the thoughts from coming in, but send them right along that river.

3. Pay attention to your breathing (just breathe normally, no need for deep or shallow breathing)

4. As you breathe in, count 1, and when you breathe out count 2.

5. Do this with each breath and count up to ten, and then backwards from 10

6. Remember not to stop your thoughts from coming into your mind, but send them right back out down that river

7. Continue to breathe and count for as long as you need to feel sleepy and completely relaxed

Today was... well it was...

Not a great day all in all. The morning was okay, but this afternoon keeps getting worse and worse. Don't get me wrong, having a house all to myself for a few hours after work has been great! (T took P to the zoo with grandma - I guess part of the reason I'm feeling sad/down)

I really wanted to go to the zoo for P's first trip! I feel like I'm missing out, but I did tell T that it was okay to take her without me. I hope he took lots of pictures! I've also had an upset stomach and a wicked headache all day! I had to break down and take some tylenol (which I don't like to do especially when pregnant). I might need to go for a prenatal massage sooner than I thought!

This pregnancy is already taking a toll on me! I can't sleep very well, I have a sore back and legs almost every day, cramping (couldn't be braxton hicks already could it?), and I'm not even big yet! Sorry, all I feel like doing today is whining....maybe not such a great time to start writing a post. I'm just mentally exhausted today, I'm physically tired too and this doesn't help me to "be positive". It's days like this that I wonder if I can really do "this" (this being dealing with depression without medication).

Many, many people out there have to deal with so much more in life! Starvation, homelessness, illness, death; billions of people have to deal with these things on a day to day basis. It's this sentiment that makes me feel like I should be happy with my life and feel lucky with all the blessings I have; yet, I live under this dark cloud and sometimes feel as though I can't deal with anything! Even day to day tasks seem monumental...just having a shower takes a mountain of effort some days! It's so difficult to climb out of this hole I'm in, and it takes such a mental and physical toll on me (and I'm sure everyone else too)!

I'm gonna go and try some of the exercises that A gave me at our last session... goodnight!

Happy? Fathers Day

If you can't tell from the title, I'm not really feeling all that happy today! Just little things that are aggravating me... little things that my mind always turns into big things!

They mostly have to do with my in-laws. One person in particular who always gets me riled up, and anyone who knows me, knows who that person is! Man I'd like to give him a piece of my mind, but alas, I try to be a responsible adult and not act on all the fantasies I have about the things I would do to him/them! (Get your mind out of the gutter - I'm not talking about those kind of things! I'm talking about things that are probably pretty evil!)

I'm just so worked up right now that I had to come and get it off my chest! How can some people be so selfish, careless and just in general ignorant to things going on around them? It blows my mind on a daily basis, that my hubby (and a few of his brothers) are related to this person!! I hope one day karma will kick them in the ass, but I have a sneaking suspicion that even if it does, a particular person will come and bail them out! (Again, if you know me you know who I'm referring to!)

I think it's time to go and try one of the relaxation techniques that A taught me! Otherwise I'm liable to blow a gasket (especially with all these pregnancy hormones raging!)

So you think you can tell, Heaven from Hell....

...Blue skies from pain, Can you tell a green field from a cold steel rail? A smile from a veil? Do you think you can tell? - Pink Floyd

This was the soundtrack to my night, even reading the words brings tears to my eyes! Not that I had a terrible night or anything; Grandma P is visiting from Winnipeg and I took P over there to visit for a while. We had a great visit and upon returning home, this song came on in the car and I became a blubbering mess! Thank goodness P was sleeping otherwise it might have scared her, with how hard I was crying! Whenever I'm driving in the car I think about dad, it always seems to be when my mind wanders to that deep part of my psyche.

I miss him very much, and I have so much guilt about not keeping contact with him as much as I should! It's a battle that I have everyday of my life, why does my heart and my brain have to battle each other on this one subject everyday?! In my heart of hearts I know the right thing to do is keep communication with him open and not just push it by the wayside, but my brain tells me otherwise. I don't know if it is partially because of this depression (as I haven't really kept up communication with mom, my friends, my grandmother) I'm kind of crawling into my hole of anti-socialism? Is this a bit of an excuse? Maybe. I decided on my way home for lunch that I am going to send dad a link so he can at least follow my blog and know what is going on in my day to day life. It may not enough but it will have to be for now.

During my childhood I was scared of my dad. It might have been a little more than a "healthy" fear but all kids have to have a little fear of their parents! Things were always his way, and our family just went with it. It's easier to just go along with things when you have a very dominant personality in the bunch. As a teenager I started to rebel against the rule of Dad, as most kids do, but even as an adult I seem to have this hang up about my dad as a disiplinary figure. I mean I'm almost 30 for god sakes, it's time to get over this! I also have a lot of hang ups about how my parents seperated, as it came out of the blue and without any real rhyme or reason! It was very confusing for all of us (I mean I can't even fathom how mom deals with it), but I'm still trying to understand!

Don't get me wrong, I had a great childhood and have a lot of fond memories of me and my daddy! I always looked up to him, and I have a lot of his personality traits! I think a lot of girls have "Daddy issues", I hope P and T have a good daughter/daddy relationship and she doesn't battle with her emotions like I do when she's my age.

As you can see this has been the dominant subject swirling around my head these days. I mean just thinking about it on my way back to work (from lunch) I started crying at the traffic light… emotions are just taking over my life right now! It's so annoying, I just can't shut my brain off.

Well I guess we'll see what the weekend brings... on a side note - if this weather doesn't improve I don't see an improvement of my mood on the horizon!

People are Morons!

If you hadn't already guessed what I'm referring to…it's the morons who were rioting in Vancouver last night! These people are giving Canadians and British Columbians such a terrible reputation to the rest of the world! These people are not TRUE Canucks fans; they are a bunch of bandwagon jumpers who went downtown to riot - whether or not the Canucks won or lost! Young men, angry at the world for their own life problems and looking to take it out on anyone and anything in their path! Disgusted and ashamed of everyone of them, and I hope all the people who were taking pictures and video last night will send it to the VPD so these people can be delt with accordingly! If you have any photo or video evidence, please send it to: robbery@vpd.ca

I personally think that the Canucks didn't play well enough to win, and Boston deserves the cup! They played hard all series and the better team won! Congratulations to the city of Boston and all the fans! ....and...THANK GOD HOCKEY IS OVER! Now everyone can return to normal life and hubby shaved his playoff beard! Yay!

For some reason P thought it would be a great idea to wake up at 5am?! So this is how my morning started, and to be honest with you I was really not happy about it! I've been in a terrible mood all morning, but the bad thoughts seem to be melting away now. (I guess sometimes being at work is a good thing - the guys are usually good for a laugh). I can only hope that my mood continues to improve for the rest of the day!

As usual I have many more thoughts swirling around in my head, but I'm trying to be positive again today! So I'm going to leave things as they are and perhaps I'll post later on!

A Positive Focus for Today

I woke up today and decided it would be a good day for a positive post! I'm not feeling particularly bad today, not particularly great either. I started this blog as an honest revelation of my thoughts and emotions each day - that being said; even if I am having a terrible day everyday, who wants to hear about misery all the time! I don't want to sound like a whiner either!

Focus today is my pregnancy! I'm 13 weeks 5 days pregnant today! Morning sickness is almost gone, I'm still nauseous some days and I haven't gotten the balls to come off of my Diclectin yet. I think I'll try on Friday night not to take my meds and see what happens on Saturday morning. For the last two weeks all I've been craving is salad with blue cheese dressing (mouth is watering just writing about it)! Considering how terribly I ate during the first trimester (fast food all the time), this is a welcome change! I also seem to have lost weight since I got pregnant and I really haven't thrown up that much! I'm actually down 5 lbs from pre-pregnancy weight and I wonder if it has anything to do with the depression? (I guess the Dr will answer that for me when I see her July 14th). Other craving is for Olive Garden salad, just tons and tons of it! I think I'll go there for lunch on Saturday on my baby free day!

My first (and probably only) ultrasound will be July 25th, but I'm going to see if I can move the appointment up at all. It's so hard to be patient for these things! I have a strong feeling it's a boy this time, I don't know why I just feel like it's a boy. The only apprehension for me with having a boy is that we can never agree on boys names and didn't have any picked out when P was born! I hope we can come up with something this time around! My ultimatum (spelling?) to hubby is that if he doesn't want to find out the sex this time around, then we have to have a short list of names for a boy before the ultrasound. I'm really excited for what's to come and my belly is getting bigger so that's pretty fun too! I love having the pregnancy "bump".

Tonight is the Stanley Cup Finals and hopefully we'll win the cup, but if we don't I'll just be happy that hockey is over for another year! (Or at least a couple of months). So with that I'll leave you and hopefully be back tomorrow in the same optomistic mood!

Counselling & other thoughts

I had a counselling session last night, and as always I left feeling better for it! My homework this week is to practice some relaxation methods I was taught and to rate my moods during each day. (Which this blog will be good at keeping track of) Her suggestions always make so much sense to me in my practical brain but I can never seem to put them into action when I feel like a bag of you-know-what! This is why I have to practice these things when I am having good days, this way I'll be more likely to fall back on them when I'm having a terrible day! Dad came up for the first time in all my counselling sessions (he was the dominant topic when I went to counselling a few years ago), I guess that's a good thing that he hasn't come up yet. It probably means that I'm not as focused on him being a trigger for me as I used to be!

Hubby seems to be very receptive to what I've been learning in counselling, which makes me feel so good! It's nice to have that support from him; as I don't always get it (support I mean). Over the last 5 or so days, I've been feeling pretty good and I seem to have a lot more patience for P! It actually makes me feel worse when I think about it because it just goes to show the negative actions that happen when I'm having a low period! Makes me wonder how good a mother I am being to poor P (she's just a baby and doesn't understand!)

All in all, yesterday was a good day! Today seems like it might be too! I got an email from Daycare this morning saying that her little man was throwing up this morning and it's up to me if I want to bring P there today. Seeing as she's already had this stomach thing and I've missed so much work, I brought her. Very tempting not to however; I hate work lately and do not want to go! I did the right thing though and all I can hope for is a good day today at work!

Goal for today is to work on the blog page, as I've discovered that it is severely lacking in design compared to some people's blogs! Hopefully next time you visit I'll have a nicer page to look at!

Finally, a GOOD weekend!

By good, I mean not spent under a cloud of misery! Mom took muffin for a sleepover for the first time in a year on Friday; which gave hubby and I a chance to spend some quality time together. I didn't think that I'd say this but it was really "Nice" and much needed. It's occured to me that we've really lost touch with ourselves as a couple since we had the little one! I guess that happens to many people if you aren't conscious of it!

I was nervous as to how muffin would do at grandma's but she faired surprisingly well and grandma wants to take her all next weekend! Yay! I mean of course I'm going to miss her as I've spent less than a total of 48 hrs away from her since she was born. (That's collectively - running errands, sleepovers, anything that resembles any time away! Other than daycare when I'm at work of course) Some mothers would have gone nuts a year ago under those circumstances, but I have a great time being a mommy; I feel like it's what defines me as a person now! But on the same coin, maybe it's what I've been missing too...some time for myself to be an individual?

Anyhow, plans for next weekend are as follows Friday night - date night; Saturday - mani/pedi and maybe some shopping? Sunday is of course Fathers day and I'll pick up muffin from grandmas.

On a side note, Dad left me a voicemail on Saturday night and he's going to be coming down from China for 3 weeks on June 27th. This brings lots of mixed emotions for me, because when he's away I just push my thoughts of him down and bury them with a hundred other emotions and thoughts going on. I miss him and look forward to seeing him, but am having anxiety at the same time. I guess we'll see how this plays out as the week progresses!

Counselling tonight! It was really helpful last appointment, so hopefully A will have some good suggestions for me again with regards to dealing with the depression! Update to come!

Today is a new day!

This was my first thought this morning when I woke up. It looked like it was gonna be a nice day, and then of course the clouds rolled in so did the gloom. (What was I expecting? This is the beautiful lower mainland of BC afterall!)

Last night was a really bad night, I cried off an on the whole way from work to daycare to pick up my little one! I actually managed to put together a dinner - although not to much credit here it was just pasta. We even went on a long family walk, still nothing lifted my mood! Didn't help either that my dog jumped right on my uterus and I had cramping all night (something else to worry about).

However; all this complaining about things that have already elapsed and cannot be changed now - as the day goes on it has gotten better! I've been really busy at work today (another cause of my stress and depression), and busy is good! Idle hands make for idle minds (or something like that). Mom called today and is going to take P for a sleepover tonight, very exciting news! Plans are to see a movie with hubby (try and work on the relationship - I hate that everything has an underlying reason these days), and sleeping in tomorrow!

Isn't it funny how you can have such good days and bad days, and they all happen within hours of each other? Depression runs in my family, but until you experience it first hand you never really know how a person is feeling from day to day. It's hard for another person to understand that you can have such a terrible day, and the next day everything (or almost everything) is peachy.

A sidenote about the pregnancy; I've been reading up on depression in pregnancy and am starting to worry about all the things that can happen to the unborn baby. When I had my first maternity appointment last week, my Dr encouraged me to go on anti-depressants. This is something I'm really struggling with as I don't want to take any medications during my pregnancy; however, which is the lesser evil?

Well here goes nothing!

My first post...where to start? What to say? I guess the reason for starting a blog in the first place...

As a child when I experienced some sort of difficulty in my life, anxiety, sadness, loss, anger or frustration; I always found it very theraputic to write my thoughts down in a journal. It kept them from swirling about in my head and further creating more strife. Alas, I have come to a very difficult point in my life and I think it's time that I'm open and honest about what is going on! For the first time in my adult years, it's time to let it all out for the world to see. My aim here is selfish (I'll admit right off the bat!), I hope to help myself first, but maybe my stories could help someone else with the same problems or issues?!

A short background for everyone who doesn't know me. I'm in my late 20's, I'd like to say happily married, but at the moment that isn't the case. I have a 15 month old daughter and am 3 months pregnant with our second baby! It was something we were trying for, and I was very excited when I found out that I was pregnant...I'm having mixed emotions about the whole thing now.

Recently, I was diagnosed with depression. I've been feeling pretty badly for the past 6 months or so, but things really came to a head when my husband told me that he was going to leave me (after an arguement that we had). This news sent me into a tailspin and any grasp on my emotions just flew out the window!

More will come to light as I post more, but this is just a starting point so there it is... my first post.