Tuesday, 16 August 2011

What to post about today???

I'm tired and at a loss for words today (I know, your surprised... I'm never at a loss for words). I'm just so tired, mentally and physically. It's just one of those days where you feel the world is against you. I had a half mental health day again yesterday... I feel really guilty but I just can't drag myself there anymore! I can't do it, I feel so beaten down and stretched thin. To make matters worse I've been forgetting important things at work, and this is starting to affect the customers!

I have my Dr's appointment tomorrow, and I'm really nervous about it. If she doesn't approve a stress leave for me I think I might have to quit...which really isn't an option for me because we need the money that would come from medical leave and mat leave. I just feel so defeated already, I have to try and think positively but it's so difficult when your having a down day!

On a plus note, Miss Grumpy pants actually woke up in a good mood today! She never wakes up in a good mood (she takes after me on that front). We took P and the dogs to Cultus Lake yesterday and P kept saying "Pool, pool", when we got down to the waters edge she walked right into the water with all her clothes on! The cold water didn't seem to bother her at all. I stripped her down to her diaper and she splashed and played in the water for half an hour! I think we definately have to try and make it down to the lake a few more times before the summer is completely gone.

I don't really have anything else to post about at the moment, there are a ton of thoughts flying through my head right now but I'm trying to concentrate on work a little bit. We'll see what happens as the day progresses

Friday, 12 August 2011

23 Weeks today!

So yet again, not a great week for me, but I'm trying to be positive so I am posting about our little bean:

This week, Baby is the size of: a papaya
How far along? 23 weeks
Due date: 12/09/2011
Total weight gain/loss: 12 lbs total
Maternity clothes? It's been warm here so I've been wearing summer dresses (finally)
Sleep: Insomnia, Dr prescribed me Ativan but I told her I don't want to take it (I'll explain below)
Best moment this week: Going out for dinner last night with T's family
Movement: Little bean is moving everyday, several times a day
Food cravings: I satisfied my craving for veggie wraps and they were so delicious! This week, lemonade tea
Food aversions: Not much anymore, thank goodness
Symptoms: Back is sore, hips and pelvis is sore, headaches, pains in my belly
Gender: Unknown... we'll probably keep it that way (I'm pretty sure it's a boy)
Labor Signs: None
Belly Button in or out? In (probably not for much longer)
Feeling toward Pregnancy: Sad that it's going to fast, I feel like my depression is taking away from the pregnancy this time and I can't enjoy it
What I miss: Enjoying my job
What I am looking forward to:  My Dr's appointment next week (Explain below)
Randoms: See below

So on the advice of my counsellor, family and friends I talked to the Dr yesterday about a possible stress leave from work. After speaking with my counsellor on Monday, she told me that she would be happy to speak to the Dr and also recommend a stress leave as it would be the most beneficial course of action for me and the baby right now. 

I spoke with Dr. M about it yesterday and he initial response was "Yes, I believe that you would really benefit from this and I can approve that for you." Great, I was very relieved and we continued on with the appointment. Then she asks me if I have ever considered medication (anti-depressants, or anti-anxiety). I explained to her that this is not an option for me, and this is why I'm paying almost $300 dollars a month on counselling. She continued to push Ativan on me (anti-anxiety), and explained that I should take it when I'm feeling stressed or anxious about something and see how work improves from there. I reluctantly took the prescription as this appeared to be the only solution she was willing to offer me (not sure why she changed her mind from the beginning of the appointment to the end of the appointment?) She asked me to come back on Wednesday and let her know how things are going, if it doesn't seem to be working for me then she would approve the leave.

I left the Dr's office extremely mad! After telling her medication is not an option for me, especially during pregnancy she continued to shove it down my throat! My initial reaction yesterday was to tell her I took it and that it didn't work out for me. I have since, however; decided that I'll be honest and tell her that I just wasn't comfortable taking the medication and hope that she will approve leave for me. I'm still really frustrated, I'm sure Dr R wouldn't have done that to me! 

So I continue on, annoyed and frustrated, just trying to stay positive!

Friday, 5 August 2011

22 Weeks today!

This week, Baby is the size of: a papaya
How far along? 22 weeks
Due date: 12/09/2011
Total weight gain/loss: haven't checked (I'll see at the Dr's next week)
Maternity clothes? It's been warm here so I've been wearing summer dresses (finally)
Sleep: Insomnia (I'm absolutely exhausted today)
Best moment this week: This is sad... T and my date last night and the new Jersey shore episode!
Movement: Little bean is moving everyday, several times a day
Food cravings: Craving my mom's veggie wraps (they are so delicious and I'm going to make them tomorrow!)
Food aversions: Not much anymore, thank goodness
Symptoms: Do we really want to go here? Back is sore, hips and pelvis is sore, headaches, pains in my belly
Gender: Unknown... we'll probably keep it that way (I'm pretty sure it's a boy)
Labor Signs: None
Belly Button in or out? In (probably not for much longer)
Feeling toward Pregnancy: Sad that it's going to fast (cause it could be my last), but much better about how the baby is developing
What I miss: Enjoying my job
What I am looking forward to:  Maybe going to the fair with P and T this weekend
Randoms: After talking to many people that are close to me, I have decided that I have to do what is best for me and baby and try and get stress leave from work! I'm worried the Dr is going to tell me no, but I have to try. I don't think I can stick it out any longer!

Thursday, 4 August 2011

3D Ultrasound

So on Monday we had our 3D ultrasound booked. I was so excited to be able to see our little bean, and for T to finally see him/her too! He hasn't been able to come to any of my Dr's appointments or ultrasounds. We arrived right on time, but didn't get in until 30 minutes after my appointment time so I was a little worried they were going to rush our appointment. They didn't however, and the tech was really great she took her time explaining things and pointing stuff out.

It's kind of wild to see your baby before they are born! He/she was moving around like crazy and my placenta was covering the whole head so she kept having to remove it from the picture. Do to those factors the pictures we got weren't as clear as they could've been, and I'm not going to lie, I was a little disappointed in that. Also, even though we told them that we didn't want to find out the gender, I was secretly hoping to catch a sneak peak of the baby's parts! So I was a little disappointed in that too.  Other than that, it was a great experience and the baby looks great.

Here's a picture of the baby with it's arm above it's head and it's foot/leg by it's face

And this is one of the face, that weird thing at the top right of the head is the placenta

We also got a teddy bear at the appointment, with the baby's heartbeat recorded in it. We gave it to P so she could have something that was hers, from her brother or sister. I just love my babies!

Wednesday, 3 August 2011

Sorry it's been so long

Wow, 2 weeks flew by! I was on vacation last week and didn't get around to posting anything, and really who do I have to answer to anyhow? Just myself I guess...

So to update...I had my second ultrasound on the 25th of July (after ages of waiting) and everything went well. The ultrasound tech told me that the legs are still measuring short; however, they fall within the normal range and she doubts that the Dr's would worry about it anymore. What a relief! I won't lie, I was still a little worried about them being short, but I guess it just means the baby will take after me and not T! After that ultrasound I booked a 3D ultrasound so T could see our little bean. Up until now he hasn't been able to make the Dr's or ultrasound appointments.

I spent the week with P, such a nice break from work! The time away from work made me realize how stressful I've been finding my job. When I woke up yesterday I was in tears at the thought of having to go back! I cried 3 times yesterday... I have to do something about this! The stress is hard for me to take and also bad for the baby, dealing with depression without medication is enough stress on it's own! On suggestion of some very important people in my life I'm going to talk to my Dr and see if stress leave is a possibility for me.
Everyone agrees that it would be in the best interest of myself and the baby!

I'm so nervous about approaching the Dr about this, I'm so scared she'll say no and it'll leave me out of options! At this point in my pregnancy I don't have a lot of other options because I'm not likely to get hired at another job being as big as I am! (If I could even find another job right away).

I'm also having a lot of back, hip and pelvis pain this time around. It's making sitting down for long periods (or even short periods of time) very difficult. I'm going to the chiropractor as we speak and been doing yoga at night, but I'm not seeing a whole lot of improvement in my pain! It's amazing how different your pregnancies can be! With P it was smooth sailing, and I'm having so many issues this time around!

I'll post about our 3D ultrasound (with pics) this week I hope - if work doesn't swallow up all my thoughts, time and energy first!

Tuesday, 19 July 2011

Take it one day at a time

So after a long and stressful weekend (stress due to my own thoughts and feelings of course) I had a good Monday for once! It’s amazing because Monday’s are normally a terrible day for me, I wake up just expecting it’s going to be a bad day (probably a cause of the problem). My boss was in a great mood, and there were lots of laughs all day! It’s great to have my mind occupied for a few hours a day, every little bit counts!

I’ve been praying every day since my Dr’s appointment on Thursday. This is something that I’ve always done in times of hardship…I don’t consider myself a religious person but this world is so vast it is hard to believe that there isn’t something greater than us out there in the universe! I’m not saying it’s God, or Buddha or Allah or whomever you choose to believe in. Just an energy that is floating around this universe, and that is what I pray to (or communicate with might be a better word). 

In any case, this has been making me feel a little better each day. I just know that there was a mistake that was made at my last ultrasound and that everything is just fine with our little bean! I know that at my next Dr’s appointment, she will walk in and say “Just as I suspected, everything is perfect with your little one and that ultrasound tech at the other office made a mistake.” To stay positive I play this out in my mind several times a day. I also imagine when the baby arrives and I hold he/she in my arms for the first time and I look at its perfect face, kiss it’s perfect hands and feet. He/she will be just as perfect as their big sister is, I know this in my heart. 

It’s a monumental task to stay positive when you have depression because even the littlest thing gets blown up to be an enormous issue! Pile on the fact that I’m pregnant and every pregnant mother worries that her little one is growing healthily, and that hormones are at a high during pregnancy; and it becomes a recipe for disaster! I feel like I’m doing a good job and I deserve a pat on the back!

I also wanted to say that T has been so great during this past week! He is trying to keep any additional stress off of my shoulders. He won’t let me do anything (he even cleaned the bathroom last night), I appreciate it so much! This is what I had imagined my first pregnancy to be like, and it wasn’t. We’ve been communicating so well and he’s been very affectionate with me in the last few days as well, which is also something new for him. I can only hope this continues!

Friday, 15 July 2011

There's a moral to this story!

So today we focus on my little peanut, because today has started off as a terrible day and I really just need to try and focus my energy on something else! Positive thoughts, positive thoughts...
This week, Baby is the size of: a Mango orange
How far along? 19 weeks
Due date: 12/09/2011
Total weight gain/loss: 9 lbs gained
Maternity clothes? Still lovin' my jeggings, but I haven't bought anything else
Sleep: Insomnia (I'm absolutely exhausted today)
Best moment this week: Was resolving the conflict that hubby and I had
Movement: I feel some sort of movement almost everyday
Food cravings: Nanaimo bars, I've eaten them once and now don't want anymore
Food aversions: Not much anymore, thank goodness
Symptoms: Headaches, sore back, my hip keeps going out
Gender: Unknown... we'll probably keep it that way (I'm pretty sure it's a boy)
Labor Signs: None
Belly Button in or out? In
Feeling toward Pregnancy: After my first appointment with Dr. A yesterday I'm feeling terrified, worried and stressed (I'll fill you in below)
What I miss: Not worrying about the baby
What I am looking forward to:  My quad screen results, my next ultrasound (July 25th) and hearing the results
Randoms: See below for my story

So yesterday started out as a pretty good day. Hubby and I worked through our issue from the previous day - I have to make a note that he approached me and wanted to talk it out. That would be a huge step for him because he doesn't normally initiate that type of communication. Also, he apologized to me for the hurtful things he said and we came to a great compromise! Everything was unicorns and rainbows after that!

I was very excited to go to my first maternity appointment with Dr. A, I would be missing quite a bit of work too (which is always good). So I arrived at my appointment and it was going well until we got to my ultrasound results. The first thing noted is that my due date is changing from Dec 16th to Dec 9th. Second thing noted is that I have a low lying placenta. I've read plenty about this and know that it is a common thing, as the baby grows my placenta should move up and away from the cervix opening. Chances are slim that it won't, but if it doesn't then that is something we call Placenta Previa. (I have included a link to some info about Placenta Previa)

The last thing, and probably the thing that I should not be stressed and worried about (but this is next to impossible for me), is that the baby's legs are measuring short for it's gestational age. The baby is measuring 17 weeks, but it's legs are measuring at 15 weeks 5 days. Dr. A started this conversation by telling me that she is not worried about this, and that I shouldn't worry either. I was informed that the ultrasound clinic that I was sent to doesn't have a great track record and she doesn't really like to send her patients to them. The only reason I was sent there was that they were the only clinic that would take me on such short notice and she wanted to date the pregnancy before my appointment. She also informed me that this same clinic failed to diagnose twins in one of her patients! So she isn't worried and expects a more accurate measurement at my next ultrasound. 

Dr. A stated that if the baby were a little person, they would see that the arms AND legs are measuring short. This isn't the case at the moment. Now being the person I am, I put on my big girl face and finished the appointment very matter of fact! 

When I got in the car and phoned Tom to give him the update, I broke down! Hysterical! How can you help but worry about the child growing in your belly! This little being that is kicking and moving around in there, this little being that you love already and have been carrying for 4 months and that you have hopes and dreams for! I seemed to calm down and when I returned to work I was in okay spirits...then I did the completely wrong thing. I googled "Short femoral length in fetus'", and was horrified with what appeared! The tears were rolling down my cheeks before I knew it!

Apparently, short femoral length can be an indicator of Down Syndrome. My thoughts have been racing ever since that first article I read... I cannot shut my brain off for more than 5 minutes! Please send your positive thoughts and prayers our way, all I can do is try and be positive right now. A monumental task at this time! 

Moral of the story:  DO NOT GOOGLE!