Lyrics to the thoughts in my mind

I awoke only to find my lungs empty,
and through the night so it seems I'm done breathing,
and now my dreams are nothing like they were meant to be,
and I'm breaking down,
I think I'm breaking down.

And I'm afraid to sleep because of what haunts me,
such as living with the uncertainty,
that I'll never find the words to say which would completely explain,
just how I'm breaking down.

Someone come and,
someone come and save my life.
Maybe I'll sleep when I am dead,
but now it's like the night is taking sides.
And all the worries that occupy the back of my mind,
could it be this misery will suffice?

I've become the simple souvenir of someone's kill,
and like the sea I'm constantly changing from calm to ill,
madness fills my heart and soul,
as if the great divide could swallow me whole,
oh how I'm breaking down.

Someone come and,
someone come and save my life.
Maybe I'll sleep when I am dead,
but now it's like the night is taking sides.
And all the worries that occupy the back of my mind,
could it be this misery will suffice?

Oh we're alive.

Someone come and,
someone come and save my life.
Someone come and,
someone come and save my life.
Someone come and,
someone come and save my life.

Could it be this misery will suffice?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Xiq0IiGilXE&feature=related

How is it possible that I'm being the positive one here?

Sometimes it just blows my mind that my hubby can be so negative and it's up to me to boost his mood, and show him the positive side of things. Aren't I the one with the depression here? He's in one of those moods right now, and no matter what I say to him he continues with the negativity… he seems to think he's so hard done by! We are very lucky people, we have a healthy, happy daughter, another little one on the way, a house to live in, jobs, food on our table, vehicles to get around in and not one of these things will make him appreciate what he truly has!

It just angers me so much, he's so selfish that he can't even just agree that he is very lucky and sometimes life sucks but tomorrow's a new day and you move on! It's like his foot is on my head and I'm trying to come up for air but he just pushes me back down again. (Don't get me wrong, he's a good man, but when he's like this I just can't stand it) I'm trying to help myself here for the sake of our family and his eyes are blind to that… (me thinks someone else might have some depression too)

I think I have a brat on my hands!

This is something that I never thought I would utter, but I think I may have a brat on my hands! P has been a terror the last few days...I think I might be in shock over it!

When you plan on having children, and when your pregnant with said children; you imagine all the things that you will and won't do with those kids as they grow up. You have an idea in your mind of how your children will behave, and flourish...let me tell you THESE THINGS DON'T NECESSARILY HAPPEN! Hubby and I are dealing with some serious backlash right now as I have never seen an attitude on a 16 month old baby like this before in my life! We imagined a funny, outgoing, mild mannered, sweet baby girl who needed some guideance but not necessarily disiplining....P is all these things except mild-mannered. This child is pushing every button we have and then pushing a little bit more! I really don't know why I'm so surprised as I have a major attitude myself, but to be completely honest since P was born I thought I've been pretty good at disguising my attitude and I know for a fact that my patience has skyrocketed.

Today will be spent reading up on how to curb your 16 month olds attitude and proper disiplining for this age. The tone of the past few days has really done a number on my confidence as a mommy! I'm really scared to have this second baby now, who knows what will happen as I become (yet again) a stay at home mommy to not one but TWO children! If we're being completely honest here (which I've been really trying to be) work has been a refuge to the storm brewing at home! Normally I wake up thinking of any excuse not to go to work and now, I'm waking up with a sense of relief for the break away from P! (Actually that's a lie, I wake up wanting to take P to daycare and then make up an excuse for not going to work and crawl into my cave and hide all day!)

Today should be a happy day, Dad is coming back from China to visit. I am excited to see him and for him to see Halle; I just cannot get out of this cold, dank hole that I fell back into this weekend. The littlest thing will set me off and I don't even notice it until I'm down here trying to claw my way back up!

15 Weeks today (actually tomorrow)

So today we focus on my little peanut, because today has started off as a terrible day and I really just need to try and focus my energy on something else! Positive thoughts, positive thoughts...

This week, Baby is the size of: a Naval orange

How far along? 15 weeks (well actually I'll be 15 weeks tomorrow)

Due date: 12/16/2011

Total weight gain/loss: I haven't checked since last appointment, but I lost 6lbs from pre-preg

Maternity clothes? I bought some jeggings, and I absolutely love them. Most comfy jeans ever!

Sleep: Insomnia (I'm absolutely exhausted today)

Best moment this week: ??? I really can't think of anything

Movement: I felt some movement about two weeks ago, but I don't feel much anymore?

Food cravings: Cheetos and Salad with blue cheese dressing

Food aversions: Not much anymore, thank goodness

Symptoms: M/s still, sore back, I put my hip out last night, I have pain in my tummy (feels like I pulled a muscle) Headaches

Gender: Unknown... we'll probably keep it that way (I'm pretty sure it's a boy)

Labor Signs: None

Belly Button in or out? In

Feeling toward Pregnancy: I'm starting to feel more in love with this little baby, and excited to snuggle and cuddle a tiny little baby again

What I miss: Not having to take meds for my Morning sickness

What I am looking forward to:  my first OB/GYN appointment to hear the heartbeat - and ultrasound

Randoms: Here's a pic of my bump

  P.S - I stole this from another person's blog - Thanks to Dandelion Wishes for the template

You have depression too?

Sometimes it seems like I'm the only one! Although, in my rational brain I know this to be false as depression affects many, many people. I started to do a little reading on mental health today and I found this website. Here's a link:

http://www.cmha.ca/bins/content_page.asp?cid=3-86-87&lang=1

Maybe there is something there that could be helpful to someone? I just don't have the energy to post anything today...I'm tired. Just in general, tired! I could complain about the headache I have, or the back and knee ache, the insomnia, the frustration and lack of concentration and of course the major attitude I've been having today... but I wouldn't want to sound like a whiner! LOL! I guess I should really let up on the whiner stuff, huh? I mean I did start this blog as an honest description of what I'm feeling day to day, and how I'm coping with things.

Tomorrow will be a "focus on the baby" day... maybe something for you to look forward to reading? Instead of complaining all the time!

I also just wanted to say, that I have the best mom ever! She tries to help me so much and she has no idea how much I really appreciate it! I hope I can be as good a mom to P and the new baby, as she has been to me and my brother! LOVE YOU MOM!

Elusive sleep

First I can't get enough sleep, now I can't get any! So they say with depression comes sleeping all the time, or insomnia. Well for months now I've been sleeping a lot (not feeling rested either), but I can tell you with every fibre of my being that I'd much rather be sleeping all the time then laying in bed for hours upon hours not able to fall asleep! The insomnia started sometime a couple of weeks ago, and was just a night or two here and there. I fear that it has turned into a full blown monster…

I make plans of what I'm going to do with my time at work, during these long nights. Of course, when I arrive at work in the morning I can't remember what those things are, I'm sitting here racking my brain as I'm writing. "Now what was it that I was going to do today?"

I did try some of the exercises that A gave me in counselling, relaxation techniques that are supposed to help you sleep. Quieting your mind and thoughts and relaxing your body so that you can find the ever elusive sleep! They simply didn't work for me, maybe they will for you. Here they are for your inquisitive minds…

First Exercise:

1. Close your eyes and get comfortable, relax your body.

2. Imagine a river, this river is going to take any thoughts that come into your mind right back out again. Don't stop the thoughts from coming in, but send them right along that river.

3. Pay attention to your breathing (just breathe normally, no need for deep or shallow breathing)

4. As you breathe in, count 1, and when you breathe out count 2.

5. Do this with each breath and count up to ten, and then backwards from 10

6. Remember not to stop your thoughts from coming into your mind, but send them right back out down that river

7. Continue to breathe and count for as long as you need to feel sleepy and completely relaxed

Today was... well it was...

Not a great day all in all. The morning was okay, but this afternoon keeps getting worse and worse. Don't get me wrong, having a house all to myself for a few hours after work has been great! (T took P to the zoo with grandma - I guess part of the reason I'm feeling sad/down)

I really wanted to go to the zoo for P's first trip! I feel like I'm missing out, but I did tell T that it was okay to take her without me. I hope he took lots of pictures! I've also had an upset stomach and a wicked headache all day! I had to break down and take some tylenol (which I don't like to do especially when pregnant). I might need to go for a prenatal massage sooner than I thought!

This pregnancy is already taking a toll on me! I can't sleep very well, I have a sore back and legs almost every day, cramping (couldn't be braxton hicks already could it?), and I'm not even big yet! Sorry, all I feel like doing today is whining....maybe not such a great time to start writing a post. I'm just mentally exhausted today, I'm physically tired too and this doesn't help me to "be positive". It's days like this that I wonder if I can really do "this" (this being dealing with depression without medication).

Many, many people out there have to deal with so much more in life! Starvation, homelessness, illness, death; billions of people have to deal with these things on a day to day basis. It's this sentiment that makes me feel like I should be happy with my life and feel lucky with all the blessings I have; yet, I live under this dark cloud and sometimes feel as though I can't deal with anything! Even day to day tasks seem monumental...just having a shower takes a mountain of effort some days! It's so difficult to climb out of this hole I'm in, and it takes such a mental and physical toll on me (and I'm sure everyone else too)!

I'm gonna go and try some of the exercises that A gave me at our last session... goodnight!