Friday, 17 June 2011

So you think you can tell, Heaven from Hell....

...Blue skies from pain, Can you tell a green field from a cold steel rail? A smile from a veil? Do you think you can tell? - Pink Floyd

This was the soundtrack to my night, even reading the words brings tears to my eyes! Not that I had a terrible night or anything; Grandma P is visiting from Winnipeg and I took P over there to visit for a while. We had a great visit and upon returning home, this song came on in the car and I became a blubbering mess! Thank goodness P was sleeping otherwise it might have scared her, with how hard I was crying! Whenever I'm driving in the car I think about dad, it always seems to be when my mind wanders to that deep part of my psyche.

I miss him very much, and I have so much guilt about not keeping contact with him as much as I should! It's a battle that I have everyday of my life, why does my heart and my brain have to battle each other on this one subject everyday?! In my heart of hearts I know the right thing to do is keep communication with him open and not just push it by the wayside, but my brain tells me otherwise. I don't know if it is partially because of this depression (as I haven't really kept up communication with mom, my friends, my grandmother) I'm kind of crawling into my hole of anti-socialism? Is this a bit of an excuse? Maybe. I decided on my way home for lunch that I am going to send dad a link so he can at least follow my blog and know what is going on in my day to day life. It may not enough but it will have to be for now.

During my childhood I was scared of my dad. It might have been a little more than a "healthy" fear but all kids have to have a little fear of their parents! Things were always his way, and our family just went with it. It's easier to just go along with things when you have a very dominant personality in the bunch. As a teenager I started to rebel against the rule of Dad, as most kids do, but even as an adult I seem to have this hang up about my dad as a disiplinary figure. I mean I'm almost 30 for god sakes, it's time to get over this! I also have a lot of hang ups about how my parents seperated, as it came out of the blue and without any real rhyme or reason! It was very confusing for all of us (I mean I can't even fathom how mom deals with it), but I'm still trying to understand!

Don't get me wrong, I had a great childhood and have a lot of fond memories of me and my daddy! I always looked up to him, and I have a lot of his personality traits! I think a lot of girls have "Daddy issues", I hope P and T have a good daughter/daddy relationship and she doesn't battle with her emotions like I do when she's my age.

As you can see this has been the dominant subject swirling around my head these days. I mean just thinking about it on my way back to work (from lunch) I started crying at the traffic light… emotions are just taking over my life right now! It's so annoying, I just can't shut my brain off.

Well I guess we'll see what the weekend brings... on a side note - if this weather doesn't improve I don't see an improvement of my mood on the horizon!

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